Don't Let Go
by hidinginplainsight
Summary: One day away from Yoitsu, Holo and Lawrence realize they must finally confront their feelings for each other.


"Holo."

A strange mumbling emanated from the wolf in the cart next to Lawrence. Unsure if the noise could properly be interpreted as some sort of response, he tried again, a little louder.

"Holo. Wake up."

An ear on the top of her head twitched. She was listening, alright. Lawrence exercised control over his voice to avoid letting his anger color its tone.

"Holo, you took the blanket. I need some."

Lawrence shivered on the cart, where they slept. The fire where the two travelers made camp had died long ago, and any hope of warmth had perished with it. To catch an illness from the Northern air could potentially mean death to a traveling merchant.

Unfortunately, so could annoying a sleeping wolf, and the slumbering Holo had somehow managed to wrap herself into a perfect cocoon of warmth and satisfaction, using all of the blankets Lawrence had spent his hard earned money on. The merchant weighed his options and decided upon the course of action that would, one way or another, at least alleviate his suffering more quickly.

Holo made an indiscriminate mew-ling noise, but didn't move. Lawrence clutched his arms to retain what little warmth he had left.

"The night is very cold, and you have a tail to keep you warm. We should share the stupid blanket."

There was a vast and weary sigh. Holo turned over lazily, her face the very picture of annoyance.

"That sounds an awful lot like you are making demands from me." Holo's voice had an edge to it that Lawrence had heard many times before. He knew he was treading on thin ice.

But pandering to Holo with flattery would probably only infuriate her, seeing as how at the moment any compliments Lawrence could drum up would be coming from a dishonest place in his soul. The face of his companion was lovely indeed and Lawrence preferred her company to that of any other in the world, but the prospect of a debilitating illness was considerably more pressing.

"Please, Holo. I'm very cold."

Holo looked unconvinced, still somewhat annoyed that she had been woken up to begin with. Her red eyes glowed slightly in the moonlight – an eerie reminder to Lawrence that his friend was no more human than the bears that prowled the mountains or the birds that flew in the sky.

"And besides," Lawrence continued, "it's only one more night after this one before you're home."

He faked a smile at the idea of Holo returning to Yoitsu. His perfect, practiced merchant's smile. Lawrence felt an extra pang of coldness that had nothing to do with the weather.

Holo held his gaze for several moments, sizing up his sincerity. She sighed heavily before extricating herself from the blanket and moving towards her companion so the cloth could be shared between them.

"You are certainly a troublesome companion. It will be good to get rid of you." Holo jibed.

"You are certainly a leech upon my wallet. It will sing praises of your departure from the highest hills."

Holo playfully bit Lawrence's finger in response.

Lawrence winced slightly, but also grinned at her pettiness. He would miss their arguments. Lawrence hugged Holo to him, offering reconciliation.

"I am sorry I woke you."

"You should be," she breathed, already half asleep again. She pressed her body against Lawrence's and rested her head on his chest, ostensibly for warmth. He smiled softly and closed his eyes to try and get a few more hours of sleep before the dawn. With her hair so close to his nose, Lawrence inhaled Holo's earthy scent.

_She even __**smells**__ vaguely of apples_, he mused, exhaling in the dark. His breath came out in a white cloud, holding together briefly before dispersing.

_Only one more night and I will be sleeping alone_. Lawrence shoved the idea to the back of his head with extreme prejudice. Best not to dwell upon such useless things. Not yet. He had all of tomorrow to spend with Holo, and who knew even what she would do upon arriving at her home. This had been the plan all along.

Besides, Holo was immortal. It was not as if their paths would never cross again. Lawrence had long since discovered that important people in his life had a way of weaving in and out of his life at the most unexpected moments. It would certainly not be the last time he saw her, if indeed tomorrow was their last day together.

_Why wouldn't it be? Isn't that what she wants?_ Lawrence frowned, closing his eyes to rest.

"You."

It was Holo's voice.

"Un?"

"Are we really so close to Yoitsu?"

Lawrence opened his eyes.

"Just through the next town. If we decide to lodge there, then perhaps it will take another night. Two at the very worst."

Lawrence patted her head lightly. "You'll be home soon enough," he said. Lawrence was grateful his companion faced away from him – he didn't have to fake a smile when she wasn't looking.

"Do we have the funds to remain in the town?" Holo asked, her voice carrying a genuine note of concern. Lawrence nodded.

"We have enough to stay for as long as would be necessary, even with food. We could even stay for a week or so if we wanted." Lawrence was not sure if he had even meant that last bit to sound as hopeful as it came out. He wondered if Holo had noticed.

"Of course, such a thing would not be necessary if you simply wished to press on to Yoitsu." he trailed off.

Holo didn't move. Lawrence felt her breathing gently against him. He felt her heart beat through their clothes.

_She will be gone tomorrow._

Moments passed in the still evening.

"I would like to taste of human food at least one more time on this journey," Holo intoned. "To stay overnight should suit me finely."

She pressed closer to Lawrence.

"Are you still cold?" she asked. Deciding again honesty was the safest decision, Lawrence replied truthfully.

"Yes, rather."

Without pause, Holo moved her luscious auburn tail over to him. Gently draping it across his feet, Lawrence smiled.

"It is a truly a beautiful tail."

"It is quite, isn't it?" Holo replied, yawning hugely.

They were sound asleep within moments.

Dawn came too quickly for the both of them, and soon they were off towards their destination.

Their conversation was sparse: Holo gently combed her tail and Lawrence gazed down the flat road over the rolling hills.

Both had their minds on the immediate days to come. It had been a long journey through many nights and many dangers, but it was finally coming to an end. Irrevocably. Lawrence and Holo's paths may cross again, but not as partners. If they were to meet again, they would simply as friends in passing.

Lawrence glanced over at Holo. _She must be looking forward to seeing home again._

Holo noticed his glance, and snapped out of her reverie to smile grin devilishly at him.

"Already mourning the loss of my beauty?"

Lawrence laughed at her gall. Her ability to read him was downright uncanny.

"In a manner of speaking." He responded, facing back towards the road.

"Oh, but it is true! Will be a far uglier bench in the absence of such a wise wolf to decorate it." She patted the bench next to her for emphasis.

"Aye, but flowers will also do nicely, and would be far less trouble to manage than even the wisest of wolves, for water falls freely from the sky." Lawrence responded. Their banter made him happy. He vastly preferred it to the rest of the morning's suffocating silence.

Searching for a witty response to his companion kept his mind off of immediately losing her.

Holo's canine teeth shone in the daylight as she continued.

"But then again, it will not only be the bench that will want for my company will it?" She scooted over along the bench towards her friend.

"Aye, the horse will be quite lonely too, but he is a hardy beast yet."

Holo grabbed Lawrence's arm and held it close to her.

Putting a hand over her mouth, Holo poured vast melodrama into her mockery. "Oh Mr. Lawrence! Please don't let me leave this journey so soon!" she quipped.

Lawrence's smile faltered a little, but he decided to play along anyway.

"We've time yet before the village, maybe I'll change my mind."

"Oh but Mr. Lawrence, the nights without you will be so difficult!" Holo gesticulated wildly. She clutched Lawrence's arm tighter.

"You'll manage. I'm sure with your beauty you'll find many other Mr. Lawrences." He forced his eyes to remain forward, not daring to glance at his companion. "And you yet have time."

"But sir, I do not desire any other but you!" Holo's jest continued. Lawrence had stopped smiling. "We should be married."

"Holo…"

"But don't you think we should be mar-"

"HOLO STOP!" Lawrence shouted, startling her out of his arms and across the bench.

Immediately after the words left his mouth, Lawrence regretted it. He didn't ever recall raising his voice to his companion like that, even in their most heated arguments, there were rules, standards of play, lines that couldn't be crossed.

Holo had crossed that line once in Kumerson with disastrous consequences. Lawrence had no knowledge of what crossing that line would be like if he were the transgressor. Should he apologize? Holo was notoriously proud, and Lawrence didn't want to squander their remaining hours together arguing. He glanced over at his companion. Holo stared off to the west, away from Lawrence. Would speaking now only serve to anger her more?

For several long minutes, there was silence.

Holo put up her hood as the village came into view.

"Will there be a security checkpoint?"

"Probably. I'm unfamiliar with customs this far north." Lawrence replied. "It shouldn't be a problem, though."

"When we enter the town, I want to find a pub," Holo said.

"You wish to eat?"

"I wish to drink."

The carriage rode steadily forward.

At the bars, Holo drank enough for ten men. Her wanton thirst seemed to know no bounds, and Lawrence supplied her with enough money to drink to her fill.

The words between them were few.

Deep into the night, Lawrence found himself dragging his companion back to their inn, two flights up to their room.

Lawrence had rented the room sight unseen, and was quite distressed to discover that it only contained a single bed. Had he not made it clear they would require two? He sighed heavily. Holo stirred in his arms, wriggling free and shaking her head emphatically.

"No! This is an outrage! For Holo the Wise of Yoitsu to share a bed with the likes of you would be an insult."

Lawrence couldn't tell if she was joking. Holo was deeply inebriated, but his companion usually had more self-control. Lawrence sighed and entreated her better nature.

"It's only one night, Holo. Why don't we just take the bed and get some sleep? I'm exhausted."

She shook her head angrily, causing the hat that normally concealed her ears to fling off her and onto the floor. Crossing her arms over her chest, she issued the following decree:

"I will take the bed. If you wish you may purchase another room or make use of the floor."

"Are you joking?" Lawrence was aghast. "We slept next to each other last evening! Surely one more night won't matter."

"If the nights mean so little to you then the floor should suit you well." Holo turned towards the bed, wavering unsteadily on her feet.

Lawrence rushed to Holo's side to steady her, but she moved quickly out of his reach, around to the foot of the bed. Her eyes flashed dangerously in the darkness.

"Don't _touch _me!" the wolf spat.

"You're drunk, Holo. Calm down," Lawrence entreated.

"I am perfectly calm, and I have never been drunk." Holo straightened to her full height, her ears pointing upwards with marked indignance. "Not without intending to be."

Her face was flushed from the alcohol. Lawrence moved towards her again, but Holo stepped backwards, towards the wall.

"I told you to stay away from me!" she bellowed. Lawrence was shocked. He had never seen Holo in a state like this.

She stared at him with a look of utter contempt.

"What is the matter with you?" Lawrence demanded

"What do you care, _salesman_?" Holo said angrily, "tomorrow we will reach our destination and finally this ridiculous journey will have come to an end. It is late. I am tired. Do not speak to me again."

Holo lay on the bed, pulled the covers up to her chin and turned her back to Lawrence with a chilling note of finality.

Lawrence stood at the foot of the bed, speechless. He felt like a door had slammed between the two of them. He had felt it closing with each step they had taken towards Holo's hometown and now it was shut.

For a moment, the room was completely silent.

"We could, you know." He began. Holo sat up sharply.

"Be _quiet!_"

"Like you said on the wagon. Marry. I would not object." Lawrence's hands trembled at his sides. "Honestly, the thought only brings me happiness." He hazarded a smile. Holo's face was stone. After a moment, she sighed, the edge of her anger fleeing her body.

"What I said was spoken in jest. It was in poor taste, and I apologize," she began, at a level tone, "but such a thing is impossible, Lawrence."

"Why? Why would it be impossible at all? There are churches in many towns even this far north-"

"My veil would cover my ears, then? Is it, perhaps, fashionable to attend your own ceremony wearing a hat?" Holo's eyes shone like daggers in the dark. Lawrence's words caught in his throat.

"Or even beyond the logistics of the lark itself," Holo nervously averted her eyes as she spoke, but her voice kept its cold, even tone, "the life of a traveling merchant is a life for the young. You wish to settle in a town and open a shop one day, isn't that correct? Isn't such a thing your dream?"

Lawrence was silent.

"Answer me!" Holo pitched her body forward violently, startling him. His response came in a stammer.

"Y-yes, of course."

"Fine then. Let us say that you settle into a town with your new, young wife. Would the other townspeople not find it suspect as you wither away while she retains her youth?" Holo's eyes flitted back to Lawrence, piercing through him.

"Am I to take care of you once your body has rotted and your mind has decayed past the point of all usefulness? I am Holo the wise wolf! I am not fit to wait idly for lesser creatures to die! And you _will die_, Kraft Lawrence! Surely as you are here now you will die and you will rot in the ground!"

A ripping sound came from the sheets tightly clenched in Holo's hands. Her body shook with agitation and rage. Tears formed at the edges of her eyes as she fought to control her voice.

"And you all die so quickly…" She sniffed as the first of the tears escaped. Releasing the sheets from her death grip, she moved her hands up to quickly wipe away any traces of the liquid from her cheeks. She swallowed with some difficulty. "We cannot ever marry, Lawrence. Do not act like a child."

Lawrence felt completely and utterly hollow. Taking a tentative step towards Holo took all of his strength. Suddenly, it occurred to him she may take flight if he moved towards her.

"May I sit?"

She nodded, still not meeting his gaze. He sat on the edge of the bed. For several moments, neither one spoke.

"We would be happy." He offered meekly. Holo smiled at him.

"It would be a cruel and unfunny joke."

Lawrence stared adamantly at the wooden wall of their chamber, barely visible in the moonlight.

"Not to me."

Lawrence felt the warmth of Holo's hand wrapping around his. His head to whipped around to look at her in surprise. In Holo's eyes shone an infinite sadness – an understanding born from countless years of suffering and losing what is precious to you. He could smell the alcohol still faintly on her breath.

"…you think I don't want to?"

Holo's mouth quivered, searching for more words to fill the distance between them. Holo moved her warm body next to Lawrence's. Her ears drooped from fatigue. Biting her bottom lip to hold back tears, Holo leaned forward gently, resting her forehead on his shoulder.

"If we stay together, I will continue to fall in love with you," Holo began. Lawrence's eyes widened, but before he could respond, she continued. "And we would be happy as we have been happy these last months. And I would love you for my entire life…"

Holo picked her head up from Lawrence's shoulder and looked straight into his eyes. A small, regretful smile spread over her lips.

"…but you would not love me for all of mine." Holo put her palm to Lawrence's cheek. She stroked his cheek gently. "I want-"

Holo suddenly stopped talking. She screwed her eyes shut tightly, willing her crying to stop. Lawrence felt his heart slowly breaking, like a branch in the winter. Holo shook her head, gathering himself before continuing:

"…I'm sorry, but the pain would be too much. There is no other pain like being alone." She opened her red eyes, overflowing with tears. "Please forgive me."

Reaching his own hand up, Lawrence cupped Holo's face and firmly pressed his lips to her own.

For a moment, Holo surrendered. She opened her mouth and pulled Lawrence into a deeper kiss, pressing her body as close to his as possible. Holo tenderly stroked his tongue with her own. Her tail swept back and forth on the sheets happily. Lawrence could feel Holo's heart beating inside of her chest, and realized his own was beating just as rapidly.

_I want this to last forever_.

But Holo had only surrendered for a moment.

Their kiss broke, and Holo pulled away from Lawrence, her face flushed a deep red.

"…that was cruel." she said. The sentence went unchallenged.

Lawrence stared at the woman he loved: inhuman, forgotten, immortal and doomed to walk the earth forever.

_I want to save you. _

Holo met his eyes.

"I am going to leave tomorrow."

Lawrence nodded. "I understand."

_I want you to stay._

"I may see you again, but we will not be like this. You will have changed." She smiled at him. "Maybe you'll find a wife?"

There was a pause and the smile fled her face.

"Do not marry that blonde Shepard."

Lawrence laughed in spite of himself. He smiled up at Holo. "Okay. Nora is off limits. If that's what you want."

Lawrence noted the slightly annoyed twitch of one of Holo's ears at the mention of Nora's name, but her tail swished slightly on the bed, happy that for the moment Lawrence still belonged to her.

Holo averted her eyes from Lawrence. She looked out the window into the night.

"We should sleep." Lawrence said. "The sun will rise in a few hours." Holo nodded.

Letting out a long, haggard sigh, she crawled back into the bed, placing her head upon the pillow. Lawrence smiled as he looked down at her small, resting body.

_I will love you until the day I die._

"Lawrence..."

"Yes?"

"Please sleep beside me."

The sheets ruffled as Lawrence lay down next to Holo in the bed.

"Will you hold me until the morning?"

"Yes, of course."

"Promise me."

"I promise."

"Don't let go."


End file.
